Really, I'm not heartless.

This is what I said to myself a few minutes ago, as I waited at a stoplight near my home, feeling somewhat bloated from having just consumed my Friday night treat, a yummy burger and Nathan's fries, as I listened to This American Life on my iPhone, thankful to have had a good week at work at a job I honestly really enjoy.

The reason for this outburst on my part was that twice in the past ten minutes I had been accosted by people who stand at intersections and either sell flowers or wear signs saying, "Homeless. Please help. God bless." The first one, a middle aged, grizzled man very confidently selling roses, and being very persistent at trying to sell them to me, saying "You're gorgeous! You need flowers! Look at my roses!", that though I smiled and drove on, I thought, "Yeah, right! Gorgeous my ass. He says that to every woman to sell flowers!"

Two lights down was the second one, a woman who looked about 70, in mid-calf length green pants, missing teeth, asking for a donation, and doing her level best to make eye contact with me, which of course I wouldn't do. But after she gave up on me, she moved down the line and I watched her in my rearview mirror, saying the title of this entry sotto voce, believing it, then thinking..."Well, maybe I am a bit."

And this has prompted some self examination to determine to what degree I have become too calloused, cynical and yes, heartless over the years. Why I've done it takes little thought at all. No one likes to be thought a rube, a pushover, gullible, and yet...I find that I still am that at times, so this armour of cynicism has its chinks and isn't infallible. So I suppose I use it when and where I choose to and blindly believe things at other times.

I'm not quite sure how to adjust myself here. I don't want my heart to shrivel up like a raisin and have no compassion for people who, perhaps due to a run of extraordinary bad luck, have ended up where they are, pleading for a few dollars. With what I've been through in my recent history, you'd think I'd be so happy to be working that I'd happily hand over a few dollars to a homeless person.

I'm open to suggestions here.  Somewhere in my life I was taught to "rarely resist a generous impulse". I've also been told that giving to a homeless person in this way really doesn't help them in the long run. But maybe next time, I'll be a bit different, and be a little bit better for it.