Caffeine Fueled Consciousness

This week I had a tiny windfall in my budget, and because I'd not allowed myself any treats in several months, Doug and I did a bit of shopping for fun on Saturday. We meandered around World Market and got a few imported sodas and snacks (nothing special there this time and I could tell they've cut back on inventory somewhat), then over to Ulta, where I bought some new eyeshadows and experimented with perfume (right now I'm loving Armani Code, but am not sure so didn't buy it yet). Of course we had to make a stop at Target to grocery shop and there I bought "Amelie", which is one of those movies I've wished I had for years but had not gotten around to buying it before. Can't wait to watch it with Doug, as he's not seen it before. And my big purchase of the day was a lovely, shiny chrome toaster! One of the highlights of our weekends is sitting down at my rarely used table and having a very leisurely breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausage, perhaps grits, and dark grainy Pepperidge Farm German Dark Wheat bread, and last week I was bemoaning the fact that by the time I get to eating my toast, with its butter and blackberry jam it's stone cold. I remembered how, when I was a kid and I was spending time at my grandparents' home in Rose Hill, NC, my granddaddy had a toaster stationed within arm's reach of the table, thereby eliminating The Frigid Toast Problem. Thus the purchase of aforementioned toaster. I will feel like a very rich woman indeed to have hot, crunchy, buttered toast at the table and I can't wait to try it out!

It's a strange thing, this building a relationship. Strange and wonderful of course, but for me, uncharted territory because it's been since I was in college, waaay back in the Dark Ages while dinosaurs walked the earth that I've been through this. Of course these days I'm a much different person than that innocent, trusting girl who married the first (and only) man who asked me because of wanting to make him happy and who stayed too long because I had made a promise.

Two weekends ago Doug and I decided that seeing each other a couple of times a week simply wasn't enough, and we started to spend our weekends together. Now this was a big change for me, as I've lived alone for over three years, but I've gotta say that first Saturday morning when I could get up and pull the first espresso shots for us, and fossick around the refrigerator for breakfast fixings for us, that I felt this incredible lightness and satisfaction I don't ever remember feeling. It seems we are like two trees, whose leafy tendrils reach toward each other, who are becoming more intertwined as time passes.

And now we are doing what I see other couples I know doing. Having a romantic Italian dinner out in a busy and crowded restaurant. Running to Home Depot for him. Going to the mall for me. Having a blast at the local gourmet market experimenting with  and buying unknown cheeses. Putting together a yummy dinner and learning the joy of cooking being a team effort.

And the strange thing is that the more we're together, the more I miss him when he's away.

Since it's been over 30 years since I've started a relationship, it seems every new thing is a revelation to me, and I often feel like I'm experiencing it for the first time (and sometimes I am doing just that). Like missing someone. Doug has been on vacation since last Friday, and he took an extended weekend to do the family bonding thing with his older sister and younger brother. And though we kept in touch via numerous texts, and by talking every night too, when I finally did see him on Tuesday night after a verrrry long drive through the flooding in the Atlanta area I was nearly in tears I missed him so much!

Yesterday he took it upon himself (without my suggesting it or saying a word) to do a home improvement project at my apartment, and that required that he stop by my office to pick up my key, no small feat as it was about a 40 minute drive. So he brought lunch for the entire office, and for the first time I introduced him to my work world, to my close friend Lizzette and my boss. On my list of Things I Must Have in a Man is a man your friends don't think to themselves after meeting him, "What a total asshole!" and he seems to have passed that test with flying colours.

Oh, on top of all this, when I got home HE COOKED DINNER TOO. I can't begin to tell you what a paradigm shift (for lack of a less hackneyed phrase) that was for me. He.cooked.dinner.for.ME. (or for us, rather) Are you paying attention universe????

This is so very, very different from what I knew in the past. And so much more satisfying.

It's hard to believe it's only been just over a week since Doug and I went out on our first date.

Since then, we've gone out three more times. His birthday was this past week, so I took him to a suitably memorable and moody pub called Brogue's in downtown Lake Worth, and we yapped for hours over drinks and spinach artichoke dip, and also took a drive along the ocean with the mini's top down. Que romantico, si? On Thursday, we met for a light dinner (at the unremarkable but clean and quiet Paneras) and again talked seven to the nines until nearly closing time, and then some more where I lost track of time (truth be told, I wanted to lose track of time because I was so fascinated to spend all this time with someone and just wanted to spend more and more). Though when I got up the next morning I was shattered and without a doubt was teetering on the bitch precipice all day I was so tired. I'm too old for this and I should know better!

Saturday we took a trip to Homestead to see the Coral Castle (http://coralcastle.com/) with its mysteries about how its creator Edward Leedskalnin constructed it all by himself. Pretty amazing, but we didn't stay long, and though we'd taken great pains to put together a lovely picnic (and yes with good wine and homemade potato salad), we realised it was just waaaay too sticky, even for a tropical place that we're accustomed to, to go through with, so instead we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant, La Bamba. To be honest, I was having such a good time with this happy, easy-to-please, kind man that I could have gone to Waffle House and probably not known the differrence except when I didn't get refried beans with my meal.

And so, we've decided that we're definitely a couple, and will continue on this journey and see just where it takes us. We've got a long way to go to know the answer to that.  I can't believe that this is the very first time in my life where I've been treated like this, and it is pure unadulterated joy. I confess I'd become a total cynic because of the failed Experiments in Dating this past year. I'd look at those EHarmony commercials and roll my eyes and think how stupid and sappy they were, but yesterday afternoon when I saw one I STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS and smiled and said, "Yeah, I know exactly what they mean..."

I guess I'm in danger of making every one of my friends avoid me for getting all weak in the knees and mushy. *sigh* You guys are gonna have to be strong and deal with it, dammit!

Amazing. Two posts from me in one weekend. I guess I can chalk it up to having a very good one!

On Saturday, in addition to my usual grocery shopping, I also drove down to Delray Beach to my favorite little local gourmet market, The Boys. There are so many yummy things there. My last trip in mid-August for my birthday I scooped up a fabulous deal on an enormous (over two pounds) wheel of French brie for $3.99, and this time I bought half sour dill pickles, Tillamook sharp cheddar, shrimp pasta salad, tomato and mozzarella salad, and my favorite apple at the moment, Pink Lady, so by the time I got home and unpacked it all I felt all nesty and satisfied.

Sunday was even better. For the past ten days or so I've been talking with Doug, and when he asked me out for brunch I gladly accepted. And when I learned that he took the time to research to find the right place to go (instead of just suggesting places all of us locals know), and that when we met he gave me flowers, I was impressed, let me tell you. And the Eggsotic Bistro didn't disappoint. It's tiny, and lovely, and the Eggs Benedict were so yummy and pretty I said out loud how I could kick myself for not bringing my camera, to which he replied that he'd said the same thing when he left home. That made me laugh, and be glad I'm not the only person who brings her camera to restaurants!

And so we had a very leisurely time...one of those times where you want to freeze the moment to make it last just a little bit longer because it's so enjoyable. Meaty conversation with someone I felt comfortable with. And when it was all done, thank you texts were exchanged, and he told me he'd like to go out again.

Tomorrow is his birthday, so I'm planning to take him out for a drink. And now I'm the one researching the right place to go. And though I'm bringing my camera, I don't think I'll give him flowers...

I look at my last post, and GOSH, it was in April, for goodness sakes, and it's not like nothing has changed since then! Actually a great deal has happened. It's simply that I have not felt motivated to write about it until now. I'm enjoying the long Labor Day weekend, with two days down and one more to go, even though I don't have a picnic or bar-b-que to attend.

Since April, my friend Lee has done the disappear on me, with no explanation whatsoever. I tried on several occasions to talk to him, but he'd not return my calls or my emails, so I gave up and have had to leave it unsolved. I wonder what the reason is, but unless he decides to contact me sometime in the future, I will remain in the dark. Part of me wishes him well and the other part of me wants to yell at him and call him names for being silent and shut off from me.

This might have bothered me more had I not been occupied with other, less pleasant, things. On Memorial Day weekend I started feeling not myself, and thought I had gotten some kind of food poisoning perhaps. After a couple of days of this, I felt I had no choice but to make an appearance at the ER of Wellington Regional Hospital, and it wasn't long before they were taking out my gall bladder. Apparently, it was in very shoddy shape ("gangrenous" is the term, as in GANGRENE! Eeek!), and though I expected to go home a day or so afterward, it was not to be for nearly another ten days due to infection. Even after I was released, I'd not seen the last of the hospital due to more complications, this time pneumonia and even blood clots. This time even involved a stint in ICU due to my breathing.  But finally, FINALLY, (around July 8) I was released, and all I could say was, "Free at last! Free at last!"

I hated to admit it, but I was a pretty sick girl, and since then, I've really enjoyed lots of little things more than I used to. I love every day, whether at work or the weekend, and I actually look forward to the work week, every day. I mean, I luuuuuuve going to work and am so thankful for how well I've been treated there. My boss came to visit me in the hospital several times, and kept close tabs on me, giving me her advice and encouragement (she's got a medical background, so this was greatly appreciated).

I consider myself very, very lucky, fortunate, blessed and I want to savor each day and hold it tightly in my arms. And I hope I won't need to be in the hospital for the next twenty years at least!

Though I've not really written much about it, in the past 9 months or so I've been pretty actively meeting and dating probably a dozen or so men, and though I'm not ready to talk about it at length (except to say that for now I'm giving up on it as too difficult and emotionally exhausting), there is one thing that's come from it that has made me think.

About a month ago, I went out with one of the people I met at an online dating site, and though we had a very memorable evening of great food sitting outdoors under the stars, I knew that, at least from a dating standpoint that we really didn't have a future. We're quite different in important areas, and I didn't have that feeling of being kindred spirits. And yet, unlike so many of the guys I met and went out with in the past, he didn't do the "disappearing act" I've become so accustomed to in dating, and we kept seeing each other. We still are, on a weekly basis, going out for dinner, or having movie night at my place, even though we both have agreed that we're friends only.

Well, perhaps not friends only, but more like friends with benefits. And no, not quite the benefits usually associated with the phrase. You see, my friend Lee (yes, his name is the same as mine, and he's also left handed as I am) likes to problem solve, and because of his intervention I'm now hopefully going to be able to participate in a clinical trial for a new treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. There are many other areas he's been active and helpful in my life. My arthritis and knee pain has gotten more severe, and whenever I need to get out I need to rely on a little scooter I got at Thanksgiving, but unfortunately I'm unable to lift it myself, so whenever we go out, he will take care of setting up the scooter. This gives me new freedom because I don't have to ask for help, something I abhor doing.

Another benefit has been the fact that I have someone I can cuddle on the couch with, someone I can be affectionate with, and, though it might seem strange in a friendship, this is such a nice thing for me. I realise that there will likely be a time where one of us (him most likely) meets potential mate material and this friendship will change. But, at least for the time being, I'm enjoying this, and feeling in some sense satisfied. I love having a man to go out to dinner with, or to make dinner together with. This is what would be called companionship I guess, and though it's not at all what I was looking for, it is enough for now. It's safe, and my emotions aren't overly involved, so it's basically stress free. Seems like a win/win situation from my perspective. Comments are welcome though...