Caffeine Fueled Consciousness

Though I've not really written much about it, in the past 9 months or so I've been pretty actively meeting and dating probably a dozen or so men, and though I'm not ready to talk about it at length (except to say that for now I'm giving up on it as too difficult and emotionally exhausting), there is one thing that's come from it that has made me think.

About a month ago, I went out with one of the people I met at an online dating site, and though we had a very memorable evening of great food sitting outdoors under the stars, I knew that, at least from a dating standpoint that we really didn't have a future. We're quite different in important areas, and I didn't have that feeling of being kindred spirits. And yet, unlike so many of the guys I met and went out with in the past, he didn't do the "disappearing act" I've become so accustomed to in dating, and we kept seeing each other. We still are, on a weekly basis, going out for dinner, or having movie night at my place, even though we both have agreed that we're friends only.

Well, perhaps not friends only, but more like friends with benefits. And no, not quite the benefits usually associated with the phrase. You see, my friend Lee (yes, his name is the same as mine, and he's also left handed as I am) likes to problem solve, and because of his intervention I'm now hopefully going to be able to participate in a clinical trial for a new treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. There are many other areas he's been active and helpful in my life. My arthritis and knee pain has gotten more severe, and whenever I need to get out I need to rely on a little scooter I got at Thanksgiving, but unfortunately I'm unable to lift it myself, so whenever we go out, he will take care of setting up the scooter. This gives me new freedom because I don't have to ask for help, something I abhor doing.

Another benefit has been the fact that I have someone I can cuddle on the couch with, someone I can be affectionate with, and, though it might seem strange in a friendship, this is such a nice thing for me. I realise that there will likely be a time where one of us (him most likely) meets potential mate material and this friendship will change. But, at least for the time being, I'm enjoying this, and feeling in some sense satisfied. I love having a man to go out to dinner with, or to make dinner together with. This is what would be called companionship I guess, and though it's not at all what I was looking for, it is enough for now. It's safe, and my emotions aren't overly involved, so it's basically stress free. Seems like a win/win situation from my perspective. Comments are welcome though...

This morning I read a post on Facebook from a friend of mine, who's in a new relationship, and has just moved with her to a picturesque area and is glorying in the everyday joy of life as a consequence. And it made me pause a bit, and realise how long it's been since I've just savored the moment and been happy for the little things. You know, a roof over your head, food to eat, friends, a job you like, being alive for goodness sakes!

Ever since I started working in my new career, and especially since I started my latest job, where I am well treated, where I have no  plans to move from, I was in awe of the blessing it is. I have become self-sufficient, I have great friends, a big, safe apartment, a cat I love to bits, and I should feel the luckiest woman in the world! Well, I do, very often, but I feel I'm not being appreciative of that like I should be. Instead, what I think I'm feeling is somethig akin to restlessness, and of perhaps feeling life has settled into an all-too-familiar rut.

When I leave work every night, I will postpone going home until 8 or 9 pm, and the feeling that settles over my shoulders after work is what feels like aloneness more than anything else. I well remember this feeling even when I was married, of being alone in the world. I wonder if we all feel this? I sense that we do, unless we are too busy with children or some major life event to have the time to notice.

Maybe I need a challenge. And maybe I just need to kick myself in the arse to wake up and quit whining about feeling alone...

Tuesday night I had the opportunity to meet with a group of local photographers all wanting to experiment with studio photography, though I have to say I'm still feeling quite out of my element trying to understand the lighting setup, something that has stopped me before when wanting to do studio work. I find myself getting entirely sidetracked by all the technical aspects, worrying I've forgotten something essential, and as I'm not one to multi-task well, I feel unfocused and out of "the zone." What I wanted was to be able to concentrate on coaxing the best from our great model Lizzie.

I find myself wondering if I like the results as well as the less structured shoot with Holly a couple of weeks ago, but I will continue with the group until I feel more comfortable with the technical part, and perhaps decide then. Here is my one keeper image from the shoot (though I only had about 15 to choose from).

Lizzy

Just a quick post for all you photographers out there. Tips from the Top Floor and Borrowlenses.com are having a contest where you can win a week with your favorite lens! Sounds like fun, right? Go to: http://www.tipsfromthetopfloor.com/ for details. Like now!

Holly and the Purple Boa

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This past Sunday was my scheduled shoot with my friend (and fabulous director of my old chorus The Women of Note) Holly, and though I'd thought to do some indoor studio work as well as going outdoors, I decided to stick with outdoors. I'd asked her to bring along something that was meaningful for her, and she did this in spades, making things easy for me.

We set up in a tiny fragment of a field next to our Wellington Mall, and I chose to use my 85mm 1.8 lens, known to be one of the best portrait lenses around, but one I've not had a chance to use as much as I would like to have done because it's a fixed focal length. Inspired by the work I've seen others do with it, I shot mostly wide open in RAW. Because it's been way too long since I've done this, I felt quite rusty and even awkward. The rusty part I understand, but the awkward always puzzles me a bit. I'm a people lover, and yet when I have to direct them photographically I get a knot in the pit of my stomach that interferes with both my techical as well as my creative self. This keeps me from doing my best, from producing work I'm completely happy with. Or is this even possible?

Don't misunderstand me. We had a GREAT time. Holly was fun and totally cooperative, and it was great to have time to catch up with her a bit. And I got some images I was very happy with (hopefully she will feel the same way). It's just that I would like to get to the point where I'm truly in the moment and firing on all cylinders, thinking of all those little technical things, thinking composition, waiting for the right moment, and capturing it.

Guess that will come if I'm able to continue to have subjects to shoot...

Well, now that I've gotten my feet wet again by posting, I'll update a bit more. The past two weeks at my job have been hard because my co-worker has moved on to another office, and I'm having to take up some of the slack, even though my boss has been putting in a good bit of time and effort there too. I'm having to stretch myself to do things I'm unfamiliar with, which can be frustrating because I'm learning by trial and error (mostly error) and this can be slow and often seemingly unproductive. I'm also having to get to work an hour early, so I'm putting in extra time every week. Honestly, I'm often exhausted and frustrated, but won't be much longer.

The GREAT thing is that help is on its way! They have hired a replacement and my new co-worker will be a very good friend who has known me for ten years or so and who helped me when I did this career change to insurance. We are both looking forward to her starting at the first of February. I will be so happy to have someone to work with all day, and in all the years we've known each other, we've been very much kindred spirits, and mostly because we often have the same interests outside of work. This is EXCITING.

Even more exciting, I'm starting to take steps to develop my skills in people photography, something I have neglected. I've been saying I wanted to do more of it for months, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was motivated to do something more than just give it lip service.

Recently I've gotten acquainted with a wonderful guy (who unfortunately lives in another state) whose feedback has helped me remember my goal, made over a year ago, to do more people photography, both for the pleasure of doing it, and to also get paid as well. (Steven, I appreciate you so much for that!) With that in mind, I did two things to make this goal a reality...

First of all, I contacted a friend of mine and asked her to let me use her as a model, and we're planning to meet next weekend. I'm excited and am searching through Flickr for inspiration. Do you have a favorite people photographer? Please let me know who they are and where I can see their work online.

The other thing is that I've gotten involved in a local Meetup.com group of photographers, and have learned there is another one a few minutes away from where I live with access to a studio, and opportunities to meet and learn studio craft with other more experienced photographers. This has thrilled me to the tips of my toes! At last! This reminds me of the Learning to See workshop from over a year ago and how great that was to learn and experiment with studio  photography.

I'm excited when change is on the horizon, especially when it is in a creative direction. More to come.

It has been far too long since I posted, but in my defense I want to say that, while I've not been here on Vox, I have been journaling, either on another site, or in a more analog version that I keep with me. Life has not been uneventful, even if things have settled into more of a routine, with no major moves to deal with, and my career going in a steadliy upward direction. I'll try to fill in the gaps here a bit.

I'm now working at a different Allstate agency than the one I'd been employed by last December. This past August I learned that office would be closing because the agent was not renewing his contract and had been unable to sell it, though he had on three occasions thought that it had been.

When I learned this, I was sitting in the waiting area of the Nashville airport on a Sunday afternoon after a wonderful four days at one of my friend Chris Marquardt's Learning to See photography workshops that I serve as US liaison for, and to my shame I have to admit I had a meltdown, surrounded by strangers who looked on me as perhaps a bit mentally imbalanced as I sat there with racoon eyes, sobbing to myself. I worried that soon I'd be on the street, sign in hand, much like the woman I saw in my last post, as perhaps some punishment for not emptying the contents of my wallet into her outstretched hands.  Because I still needed much more training and experience, I worried at my employability, especially with comments from those in the industry about there not being any open positions and just how tight the market was. But, wonder of all wonders, my fears proved utterly unfounded, as I actually had my choice of at least three positions in a matter of weeks, and the long and short of it is that I was offered, and accepted, a job at a wonderful agency, where I am very well treated, and where I'm learning many new things.

I simply cannot account for this turn of circumstances, whether total chance, a product of my positive mental imaging, or divine intervention. Suffice it to say that I am incredibly grateful, every single day, a feeling which has only gotten stronger since our economy has gone on the terrifying rollercoaster ride it started in October of last year. I have so very much to be thankful for, and I hope to never take it for granted.

I'm a bit reluctant to even post this, as I know many who are out of work. If it's any consolation, I spent a year looking  before getting my first position in my new field over a year ago, so I think I have paid my dues here. To those of you who are looking I can only tell you not to lose hope. Some days I thought it would never get any better, but it has. Much better.

And so I want to wish all of you a good 2009, no matter what the news predicts. To ask you to value the everyday things...friends, the beauty around you, food on the table.  Take it from someone who has experienced it firsthand that these things are more important than having a healthy stock portfolio.

This is what I said to myself a few minutes ago, as I waited at a stoplight near my home, feeling somewhat bloated from having just consumed my Friday night treat, a yummy burger and Nathan's fries, as I listened to This American Life on my iPhone, thankful to have had a good week at work at a job I honestly really enjoy.

The reason for this outburst on my part was that twice in the past ten minutes I had been accosted by people who stand at intersections and either sell flowers or wear signs saying, "Homeless. Please help. God bless." The first one, a middle aged, grizzled man very confidently selling roses, and being very persistent at trying to sell them to me, saying "You're gorgeous! You need flowers! Look at my roses!", that though I smiled and drove on, I thought, "Yeah, right! Gorgeous my ass. He says that to every woman to sell flowers!"

Two lights down was the second one, a woman who looked about 70, in mid-calf length green pants, missing teeth, asking for a donation, and doing her level best to make eye contact with me, which of course I wouldn't do. But after she gave up on me, she moved down the line and I watched her in my rearview mirror, saying the title of this entry sotto voce, believing it, then thinking..."Well, maybe I am a bit."

And this has prompted some self examination to determine to what degree I have become too calloused, cynical and yes, heartless over the years. Why I've done it takes little thought at all. No one likes to be thought a rube, a pushover, gullible, and yet...I find that I still am that at times, so this armour of cynicism has its chinks and isn't infallible. So I suppose I use it when and where I choose to and blindly believe things at other times.

I'm not quite sure how to adjust myself here. I don't want my heart to shrivel up like a raisin and have no compassion for people who, perhaps due to a run of extraordinary bad luck, have ended up where they are, pleading for a few dollars. With what I've been through in my recent history, you'd think I'd be so happy to be working that I'd happily hand over a few dollars to a homeless person.

I'm open to suggestions here.  Somewhere in my life I was taught to "rarely resist a generous impulse". I've also been told that giving to a homeless person in this way really doesn't help them in the long run. But maybe next time, I'll be a bit different, and be a little bit better for it.

After a very nice change from our normally busy days of juggling calls, sorting out problems our clients are having, and quoting, today was dead quiet because of the Easter holiday, so instead we had time to just talk and enjoy the day at work. More than once today I paused and thought how enjoyable it is to have days like this.

When I left work, I drove north just up the road to a development I'd heard of before where, due to unsafe chemical levels in the soil, it had been uninhabitable, and there it was...a development completely built out, filled with brand new homes in the price range well over a half a million dollars, totally uninhabited! There is a guard house, and the yards are meticulously maintained, but no one lives in a single one of the several hundred houses there. It felt as though I was observing a Twilight Zone episode, and I was disappointed but not surprised I couldn't get too close to any of them due to the security there.

I'm curious whether they think they can clean up the ground, or what they will decide to do eventually to the homes. And wonder where the people who purchased houses here are now living as well.