This is what I said to myself a few minutes ago, as I waited at a stoplight near my home, feeling somewhat bloated from having just consumed my Friday night treat, a yummy burger and Nathan's fries, as I listened to This American Life on my iPhone, thankful to have had a good week at work at a job I honestly really enjoy.
The reason for this outburst on my part was that twice in the past ten minutes I had been accosted by people who stand at intersections and either sell flowers or wear signs saying, "Homeless. Please help. God bless." The first one, a middle aged, grizzled man very confidently selling roses, and being very persistent at trying to sell them to me, saying "You're gorgeous! You need flowers! Look at my roses!", that though I smiled and drove on, I thought, "Yeah, right! Gorgeous my ass. He says that to every woman to sell flowers!"
Two lights down was the second one, a woman who looked about 70, in mid-calf length green pants, missing teeth, asking for a donation, and doing her level best to make eye contact with me, which of course I wouldn't do. But after she gave up on me, she moved down the line and I watched her in my rearview mirror, saying the title of this entry sotto voce, believing it, then thinking..."Well, maybe I am a bit."
And this has prompted some self examination to determine to what degree I have become too calloused, cynical and yes, heartless over the years. Why I've done it takes little thought at all. No one likes to be thought a rube, a pushover, gullible, and yet...I find that I still am that at times, so this armour of cynicism has its chinks and isn't infallible. So I suppose I use it when and where I choose to and blindly believe things at other times.
I'm not quite sure how to adjust myself here. I don't want my heart to shrivel up like a raisin and have no compassion for people who, perhaps due to a run of extraordinary bad luck, have ended up where they are, pleading for a few dollars. With what I've been through in my recent history, you'd think I'd be so happy to be working that I'd happily hand over a few dollars to a homeless person.
I'm open to suggestions here. Somewhere in my life I was taught to "rarely resist a generous impulse". I've also been told that giving to a homeless person in this way really doesn't help them in the long run. But maybe next time, I'll be a bit different, and be a little bit better for it.
After a very nice change from our normally busy days of juggling calls, sorting out problems our clients are having, and quoting, today was dead quiet because of the Easter holiday, so instead we had time to just talk and enjoy the day at work. More than once today I paused and thought how enjoyable it is to have days like this.
When I left work, I drove north just up the road to a development I'd heard of before where, due to unsafe chemical levels in the soil, it had been uninhabitable, and there it was...a development completely built out, filled with brand new homes in the price range well over a half a million dollars, totally uninhabited! There is a guard house, and the yards are meticulously maintained, but no one lives in a single one of the several hundred houses there. It felt as though I was observing a Twilight Zone episode, and I was disappointed but not surprised I couldn't get too close to any of them due to the security there.
I'm curious whether they think they can clean up the ground, or what they will decide to do eventually to the homes. And wonder where the people who purchased houses here are now living as well.
Things like the places I know that have the best subs (Russo's, hands down), wonderful pizza sold by the slice (Nola's), and best of all, my friends. I'm rediscovering the joy of calling a friend to meet for coffee and catching up on a sleepy Sunday, or having someone over for a drink and conversation, or just stopping by a friend's house.
Tonight I went out to the movies on my own for the first time in probably over a year and saw "Miss Pettigrew Lives for One Day". What a lovely, funny, sweet movie! Takes place in London just before the onset of the Blitzkrieg, and the sets are awash in Art Deco design and costuming. Something I'd recommend for a very pleasant eve's entertainment.
It's good to be back here. Good to see how things are progressing and time to focus on new goals, like being ready to do studio shooting here, among other things.
More exciting is that registrations for this year's Learning to See photography workshops have finally opened! There will be four of them like last year, in August, in San Francisco, Ft. Collins, CO, Nashville, TN, and Portland, ME, and based on response so far this year will be even better than last. They're taught by award-winning podcaster Chris Marquardt of Tips from the Top Floor (www.tipsfromthetopfloor.com) and are a great learning tool as well as a ton of fun.
Have you ever had a premonition about something that came true?
Yes, I have on at least three occasions. Two of them involved winning things. The first was when I was 13, when I was traveling with my dad to a boat show. On the last day, they were having a drawing for a men's diamond ring and when he wanted to leave early and get on the road I told him, "Don't, because you're going to win that grand prize." He laughed at me, but I insisted. And yes, he did win it, much to his surprise.
The second time was in 1993, when I was entered to win a trip to Paris from a local radio station. I kept saying that I had a feeling I was going to win this trip for some reason. I did. This was especially cool!
So every once in a while I'll get that same feeling of assurance that something will come true, but very rarely...
As I do my best to learn the intricacies of my new job, I seem to be handling quite a bit of customer service issues these days...I'll spare you the details as it's nothing exciting, though it's a good teaching tool for me. Today, I was pulling off messages left after hours, and so I called back a lady who had called us, quite upset, about her friend who'd been in an accident. When she answered the phone, I heard her soft but quite distinct German accent on the other end as she spent the next fifteen minutes or so telling me an extremely complicated story.
Now, as a general rule, the people I'm dealing with tend to be angry, impatient and very difficult to please and so my reaction tends to be to try to pick out what they need, strip away the extraneous, and get off the phone. And of course, when this lady started going down rabbit trails I started to zone out and wonder how long it would be before I could go back to what I'd been doing, but then I guess I started to put myself in her shoes and I was touched that she was helping this friend of hers who had no family. And soon I was listening with great interest as she told me a Reader's Digest version of her life, as she was a young woman growing up in east Germany, working under the Nazis with Werner von Braun, then moving to the US, how she had met her friend she was calling about, who had been a concert violinist, her lover and later best friend. It made for a fascinating story, even if being completely unrelated to the accident her friend had had in his car! I found myself really empathising with her, and thinking she was most fortunate to have someone she cared about (and he even more so) at her age, and felt awful that he was now needing someone like her to come in and take care of his affairs like this.
It made me think long after we finished our conversation, and hope when I'm her age I'll be that fortunate to have (and be) a friend like that to someone.
Something I neglected to mention in an earlier post was that I'm now working in a different office from the one I had started with in October. Most of you know the details (nothing nefarious or illegal) but if you don't it distills down to the first office struggling to get off the ground and telling me they couldn't afford me, and me having good timing in contacting another agency who happened to be short staffed and asking me if I could start immediately (which I could). That's now been two weeks ago. I am, frankly, thrilled and happy to be 1.) working, and 2.) have such a wonderful boss (after two days he gave me a gift basket of lovely scented bath goodies for Christmas!), but I'm also having to adjust to the clientele we deal with every day, different as day and night from the other office.
Here's a sample conversation with changed names. It was a crazy busy morning, with three lines ringing at once, clients coming in. You can imagine.
Me: (cheerfully) Good Morning, Allstate Insurance, my name is Lee. How can I help you?
Caller: This is Morris Scheissekopf. I want to talk to Carol. What kind of operation are you people running there?
Me: I'm sorry, Mr. Scheissekopf, Carol is with another client. May I have her call you back when she is free?
Caller: That's what you people told me last time. She hasn't called me.
Me: Yes, but that was only ten minutes ago. We're fielding quite a few calls just now, and we have two people who are out for the Christmas holidays. She will call you just as soon as she finishes the three calls she is on now.
Caller: Well. It must be nice to be able to take time off like that! I've never seen such incompetence! I'm going to report you people. Tell her if she doesn't call me in ten minutes not to bother to call at all. How you stay in business is a mystery to me!
another sample:
Caller: I want to have someone explain these documents you people sent me.
Me: We'll be happy to do that. I'm finishing with another client just now. Could you please hold?
Caller: No. Have them wait. Aren't I as important as they are?
Me: Yes ma'am, you're both equally important. They, however, have the advantage of being first.
If you think I'm exaggerating, believe me, I am not. This accounts for probably 70% of the clients we have, the busiest, most important, most impatient people I've ever encountered.
I'm adjusting. I'm not letting them upset me. I'm thrilled to be working! I just have trouble understanding why seemingly normal people get pleasure out of acting like five year olds and being abusive when their every wish is not granted within five minutes...!
And as I considered where I was last year, what was going on (more importantly, what was not), for the first time I can ever remember I find that a year later I have had a lot of progress, several important good things, and a good bit of fun too. For example:
- This time last year I was yearning for some animal company, and I well remember at Christmas feeling this acutely, to the point I couldn't watch anything with kittens in it! But in May that all changed with the arrival of Meimei, who has been that great little companion I wanted, even though she has some bad habits I hope will improve. What a pleasure to wake up in the middle of the night and hear purring at the foot of my bed, and to hear her calling for me when I drive up in the driveway (I can hear her from outside. The creature has some lungs!)
- December 2006 I was quite anxious to be moving on, to get back to all that is familiar and loved back down in Palm Beach county, feeling so adrift and alone here in Port St. Lucie. Being honest, I'd have to say I hated it here, no two ways about it. And now, I have plans to do just that in the early part of 2008, having found a friend with part of her house to share. I'm looking forward to it.
- I was also beating my head against a wall trying to get back into the jobforce. After spending six months or so trying to find something in the printing industry and finding nothing with a future, I changed professions. I got my 4-40 license and now work for Allstate, selling auto and homeowners insurance. I like it! My plan is to do my photography/graphic design on the side and see where that goes but having a dependable job is a life changing thing for me and I'm very thankful.
- On the fun front, I had the very enjoyable responsibility of being the US coordinator for my award-winning German podcaster/photographer friend Chris Marquardt (www.tipsfromthetopfloor.com) as he made his first workshop tour here. Doing this was such a good learning experience, coordinating the helpers in the different locations and trying to organise all the things that go into a successful workshop. Not only that, but I had one of the workshops in my home, and had a chance to have company too. Best of all, he's gonna do another tour in 2008, and he's asked me to do the same. Yay!
And that is what I wish all of you who read this. Good changes. Challenges and learning experiences. And things that make you smile and know you're loved.
Were your holiday cards store bought, handmade, online, TBD or MIA?
My holiday cards were a combination of store bought and "handmade" (not to be confused with the handmade ones I made three years ago, each one taking me a half hour or so to create with art stamps, watercolours and the like). I bought the cards you can insert pics into, then put in a photo I shot of a snowman last year.
Well, at least they were kinda humourous and not like sth I could have bought.
Normally, I do my best to focus and journal about good things, or things that have been learning experiences for me at least. But at the moment I want to SCREAM. Here's why:
Over the weekend I had several packages that I needed to mail for Christmas here in the US (my European ones mailed two weeks ago with no problem and arrived in about a week, a world away). I carefully packaged them, cushioned them, labeled, sealed, weighed and affixed appropriate postage to them, set them on my porch, put a note in my mailbox (along with a gift for my mail carrier) and went off to work, happy to be finished.
But tonight (Wednesday) I got a call from my very kind next door neighbors to tell me that they had not been picked up and that the mail carrier told me that they had to be taken to the post office for mailing. To say I was upset would be, um, well, an understatement. I was livid and frustrated, first and foremost because now my packages wouldn't arrive by Christmas, but also because this made absolutely ZERO sense to me. For a year and a half, I have mailed packages to all parts of the world in just this way! And didn't the post office have an ad campaign (could it have been last Christmas?) touting the convenience of having your packages picked up from your doorstep? So why is it that a mail carrier can't actually PICK UP A PACKAGE FFS?
I still haven't figured out how to mail them. I can't even GET to the post office this week due to my work schedule. If I can get someone to take them for me maybe they'll go out this week. If I could rip off the postage and ship them via UPS, FedEx, DHL or carrier pigeon I would do so, but it would waste nearly $30 in postage, as well as time.
The most frustrating thing is probably that I really have no one to complain to unless I can track down the postmaster of the local office. And so I content myself with the following: I HATE THE US POSTAL SERVICE. And no, I don't plan to do anything violent so don't report me.
*deep breath*
Feeling a little bit better, but until the problem is solved I will still hold a BIG grudge, and I have sworn to never give another postal employee a Christmas present. THAT will fix their little red wagon!!!!
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mgilvey said:
Try and do a shot with the fill flash turned on but light the back of your head with the... read more
on Because you told me to
I totally understand how you feel, I have often felt the same way under similar circumstances. I try to remind... read more
on Really, I'm not heartless.